Ok so the Alltimers press release pertaining to their new collection goes on and on about some young rappers (who inexplicably wear their boyhood like an honorary title in their names), the current state of popular hip hop (it ain’t good, we hear) and something or other about an “XXL Freshman Class” (the what now?). Look, we love Alltimers as much as the next scooter kid tryin’ to blend in with the skate crowd, but we sure as hell have no clue what the actual fuck they’re wailing about. So let’s pretend Google wasn’t a thing to look shit up and try to make sense of this insane collection.
We’re gonna start with the boards: There’s the Toothpaste and the Pearls logo decks, which are pretty straight forward. The former shows toothpaste on some teeth (that look freshly cleaned, by the way, so what the fuck’s up with that?), the latter shows pearls on some shellz. The paste and the shells are of course arranged to form the Alltimers logo. So far, so good.
Shit really hits the fan with the Confusing Tourism graphics, though. You’ll see Bavarians drinking beer in the African desert, burgers floating above the Great Wall of China, and a discount Bob Marley lightin’ it up next to an armadillo on the top of the Alps. First, we thought the graphics were meant to depict some backpacker’s nightmarish trip resulting from chewing on blotter like tic tacs at some random Amsterdam tunnel rave, but then we realized: this is a social commentary on Trump voters and their perception of the outside world. Alltimers, you’re so political!
Then, there’s the usual assortment of tees and longsleeves, our favorites among them being the Pretty Woman longsleeve (we just love 80’s Julia Roberts), and the Energy tee, ‘cause nothin’ gets our day jump-started like 2,000 volts bolting through our armpits. That’s it for today, fellas, and don’t forget to stay “young.” We hear it’s good for your health. You can buy the new Alltimers collection both at our web store and at our shop in Frankfurt.